It’s Saturday, I’m single. For real this time.
I say “for real” because I’ve done a little dating on and off for the past year, and that distraction in my life has precluded me from being truly single. After taking a good, hard look at my relationship history and my current wants and needs, I made the decision to quit the dating business for now and just learn to love myself.
It shouldn’t be so hard. I’ve always been an independent kind of girl. I don’t like to be smothered or tied down or trapped by a relationship. I don’t mind traveling by myself and have always enjoyed solitary activities like horseback riding, photography, crafting, reading, gardening. There are only two aspects of being truly single that I really don’t like – mowing the lawn, and not having physical intimacy.
I realize I have choices. I could pay someone to mow my lawn, and when my budget allows, that is definitely something I’ll consider doing. Can’t really use the same solution for my other problem, though, can I?
I’m just grateful that I can admit I have that need at all. Some people can’t, and (ironically) I couldn’t while I was married. I’ve finally accepted that wanting sexual contact doesn’t make me a slut – it makes me human. On the flip side, not wanting sex unless it’s with someone who wants all of me and only me forever doesn’t make me a prude, either. It means I love myself enough not to settle for less than what I know is best for me.
I’m not saying that to judge those who have “casual sex.” It’s just that I have no idea how that works. I can’t even kiss a man I like without it forming a powerful attachment that scares the living daylights out of me and hurts when it ends, even when I’m the one ending it. The only way I’ve “successfully” managed to have a physical relationship outside of the context of an exclusive, committed relationship is to turn my emotions off or to lie to myself and say that I don’t really want anything serious. Neither of those choices is healthy for me. I want more, and I want my partner to want more, too.
So it’s Saturday, I’m single, and I’m missing sex. I know lack of physical intimacy never killed anyone, and I hope the time invested in myself will pay off in the future. I’m blessed to have several female friends who’ve gone through divorce and solid singlehood only to find the love of their lives when they were finally ready for it. I find it very difficult to trust God with this area of my life, but I do trust their example. They tell me it will be worth the wait. I hope so.